A festive quiz

How Calcio are you? In the spirit of those Christmas and New Year filler stories in the newspapers, here is my effort. Answer honestly please to discover just how Italian your approach to football is.

1) Your team is back in Europe after 20 years away. Do you:
a) Go to the ground two hours early to soak up the atmosphere?
b) Proudly prepare a "Siamo Tornati" banner?
c) Throw a firework on the pitch and get your ground banned for three matches?

2) Your side, aiming for a UEFA season, is in relegation trouble. Do you:
a) Start travelling to away games to give them the vital support they need?
b) Give them early vocal backing but jeer when they fall three goals behind again?
c) Organise a fans strike which leaves the stadium empty for half the match?


3) A star player for your bitter rivals loses a leg in a serious car crash. Do you:
a) Make a donation to his support fund in appreciation of his skills which rose above petty rivalry?
b) Wish the next derby game was next week?
c) Buy a "You Must Be Hopping Mad" flag?


4) Managing your favourites you find yourselves trailing 4-0 with a man sent off and 40 minutes to play. Do you:
a) Throw on another striker, might as well lose 8-0?
b) Shore up the midfield but keep one pacy front man in the hope of getting something?
c) Get as many defenders on as you can to limit the damage?


5) Installed as president you see your team flying high in an unexpected Champions League spot. Do you?
a) Put a little extra in the January transfer pot to help your manager build on his success?
b) Savour the moment as you know it will pass?
c) Sack the manager after he fails to beat Inter in the San Siro and put all your best players on the transfer list?


6) Working as a touchline reporter you watch the national team record a convincing 3-0 win over Brazil. Do you:
a) Congratulate the coach on his great achievement?
b) Ask the manager if he thought his team was capable of such a result?
c) Ask him why he didn't pick Totti?


7) Your team loses the derby 3-0. Do you:
a) Weep constantly for a month?
b) Curse your players for letting you down?
c) Blame it on the referee's decision not to give you a dodgy penalty in the 89th minute?


8) Jumping for a ball in midfield an opponent accidentally brushes your face with his pinky. Do you:
a) Play on, it never hurt a bit?
b) Flinch and warn him to watch his hands?
c) Fall to the ground writhing in agony, clutching your face and screaming in pain?


9) What is your favourite football food?
a) Pie and bovril?
b) Panino con prosciutto?
c) Pasta, steak, bottle of wine, coffee and grappa during three-hour post-match analysis?


10) Playing at a small provincial team you are at the centre of a bidding war from a number of big sides - including the one you have supported all your life. Do you:
a) Join your favourites, it's a dream come true?
b) Weigh up the financial and emotional advantages of each offer?
c) Sign for Inter, get a whopping signing-on fee and the Scudetto on a plate?

What your answers say about you...
Mostly A - Ma sei proprio inglese! You have a lot to learn about the levels of cynicism, pettiness and stupidity needed to follow Serie A.
Mostly B - Mica male. You are quite a balanced individual who loves their sport but not to excess.
Mostly C - Benvenuto al calcio! You are totally bonkers and would happily watch 38 replays from different angles of a controversial penalty decision in order to discuss the incident for another three hours. Welcome to the club.

An almost perfect Christmas

After moaning about the late goals, only fair to say Saturday was stupendous. Fiorentina drubbed Messina 4-0 with some cracking goals from Toni, Potenza, Liverani and Mutu. Celtic saw off Falkirk (might not have been the best game for Neil Lennon) and the mighty Queen of the South defeated Livingston to get of the bottom of division one.

A perfect way to go into Christmas, Queens safe (for the time being), Celtic miles clear and the Viola with maybe, just maybe a shot at Europe after starting off from minus 15!

Buon Natale to everyone...

The weekend of the late goal

Sometimes you get a weekend where things just go wrong for all the teams you take an interest in. How about this one?

Queen of the South in desperate need of the points to drag themselves off the bottom of Scottish Division One are leading 1-0 until the 88th minute. Then they lose a goal to Airdrie United which means they fail to leapfrog them in the table.

Then, Fiorentina lead Milan with minutes to go and are about to perform a similar leapfrog manoeuvre when Gilardino strikes back to keep us behind the Rossoneri.

Finally, Celtic are winning the Old Firm game (should have been two up, usual cast-iron penalty turned down) when a deflected shot gives Rangers a share of the spoils. Probably the least painful one given the gap at the top of the table but still...

Sometimes I wish games were 87 minutes long.

The crazy world of Berlusconi

Everyone knows that Silvio Berlusconi is prone to the odd crazy outburst but his latest tirade against dearly (very dearly, £30m) departed Sheva is positively cuckoo.

"He is his wife's puppy!" he howled, or words to that effect. "A real man and Milanista would never have done such a thing. In my house I'm in charge. Sheva, however, when his wife calls to send him under the bed, runs along like a puppy!"

I think we can probably rule out a return to Milan in January, then. Unless, of course, Mrs Shevchenko has other ideas and throws in a doggy biscuit to clinch the deal. "Here boy! Here boy!"

Mind you, based on the evidence (above) how many of us would actually blame old Sheva anyway?

Place your bets now please...

The time is almost nigh for our Italian trio - Inter, Milan and Roma - to find their fate in the Champions League. Only the Rossoneri go in as group winners and a whole host of interesting possibilities lie in store. Certainly, there are very few easy draws out there.

The chances must be good of an Anglo-Italian clash with a Italo-Scottish clash not off the agenda as Milan v Celtic is a possibility. Who would we like to get? Who would we like to avoid? I would settle for the following...

Roma v Liverpool, Inter v Arsenal, Porto v Milan, Celtic v Valencia, Barcelona v Man Utd, Real Madrid v Chelsea, Lille v Bayern Munich, PSV v Lyon. Or something like that if it is possible. How many do you reckon out of eight?

Incredible at the Olimpico

I can honestly say if you had told me after half an hour of the Rome derby that Lazio would win 3-0 I would have thought you were having a laugh. So much so that I even risked a few hard earned pounds on a Giallorosso triumph. They were passing the ball well, creating chances - it looked only a matter of time until they went ahead.

Then Cristian Ledesma struck a thunderbolt shot that gave Lazio the lead and the whole Roma edifice seemed to crumble. A blunder from the ridiculous Phillipe Mexes helped to gift a penalty. Then the dubious decision to send on Vucinic (what has Montella done to be ignored in his favour?) and throw caution to the wind left gaping gaps in the Roma defence. It could have been an even heavier defeat in the end, which seemed impossible given the class gulf between the sides.

The result puts Lazio in the running for a Champions League spot while just about killing off Roma's Scudetto hopes. That's a shame as I would like to see somebody put some pressure on Inter. But it looks like they are too powerful for anybody to seriously challenge. I never thought I would be saying that about Inter.

Trains, rains and Luca Toni

Well, it turned out to be one of the strangest Sundays on record in my time tracking the Viola. Our first plan was that myself and my father would drive to Lucca, catch a train to Florence and watch the boys. Train strike, however, so no go on that front.

So, the day dawned and about 11am in our little Tuscan village base everything looked set fair. Until we set out on the car journey. With every passing mile the fog intensified and the rain got heavier. The conversation went something like this.

Dad: "This is awful."
Me: "Too true."
Dad: "Be even worse later on."
Me: "Too right!"
Dad: "Don't think I could face driving home in this."
Me: "Me neither."
Dad: "Will we just go to the Pozzo and have a slap-up lunch and watch it on telly?"
Sound of brakes as car turns around to head back to the heart of the Garfagnana.

So, we never made it to the game but ate and drank like lords instead. In our local bar some scemi wanted to watch Cagliari-Milan so we ended up in a friend's house just in time to see Toni strike. Happily, we didn't miss a classic but the three points were vital. As the night got even more miserable I think we realised we had made the right decision to stay put. And another cracking meal with a good bottle of red made the case all the more convincing.

Franchi, my dear...

The time fast approaches when I make my annual voyage to old Firenze to watch the boys in purple give me heart failure. After twice taking in the Fiorentina-Milan game (one win, one defeat) it is time to face up to Lazio. It is the battle of two of the teams penalised at the start of the season, although the Laziali got off a lot more lightly than us.

Much of the day will be spent in nervous anticipation. A meal nearby and then into the ground far too early. Three points would be a great tonic, my overall record at the Franchi is not too bad, especially given I generally pick one of the tougher opponents. I've seen more wins than losses which is a pretty decent return for a club that has given its fans as much heartache as the Viola.

Still, I fear Lazio's form is better than ours and if they can sneak in front that wee Rocchi man can hurt us on the break. On the other hand, in front of the Fiesole many a better team than Delio Rossi's side has been defeated. Here's hoping - I'll say 3-1 with goals from Toni, Montolivo and lucky mascot Jorgensen.

A change of look

I thought it was time for a bit of a change as I never really liked the old look. Inspired by the confirmation that Cannavaro had been crowned Balon d'or - take that Frenchies - I finally found the energy to shift things around. I'd still like to customise it a bit more (especially the banner) but I'm not sure if my blogging skills are quite up to it. Anyone who has any advice it will be gratefully received.

Anyway, it is time to go and watch the second half of Brescia v Milan in the Coppa Italia. Yes, I am that sad...

Bad night at the Barbera

The scene was set, the beers were in, the television primed and ready to go. The build-up impressive, the supporters choreography cracking and the general buzz outstanding. Then play got under way in the Palermo v Inter match.

It is hard to explain why I was so disappointed in this would-be clash of the titans. It was clear from the outset, with a cagey 3-5-1-1 formation that the Rosanero were scared. For most of the first half either Inter were very good or Palermo stood back and watched them, depending on your viewpoint. Still, it took a howler from Inter old boy Alberto Fontana to give the Nerazzurri the lead. Then, amazingly, the well-kept-quiet Amauri scored a scorcher with the outside of the boot to level matters.

That should have sparked a cracking second half but instead Inter took control again with Guidolin's men still surprisingly submissive. It was no surprise when Patrick Vieira thumped home the winner. The only shock was that a late header against the post could have salvaged an ill-deserved draw for the home team.

It looked to me like a medium-sized team struggling to cope with being in a league winning position. It was almost as if they would have been happier being a bit further down the table. All hope of Inter not winning the Scudetto is now officially in Roma's hands who scored goal of the week through Francesco Totti at the weekend.

At last, some good news for Milan

In a season of shaky form and dodgy results at last the Rossoneri have received some good news. Ropey Brazilian goalkeeper Dida is out for three months injured. Without being too harsh on old Duda, apart from one great season he has always looked prone to error. In comes big Kalac for the time being with Marco Amelia lined up for a January swoop along with a decent striker, surely.

This is a big weekend for Serie A with Palermo and Inter going head to head on Sunday night. I'd like to see the Rosanero win it, mostly just to keep the league open. However, a 1-0 Inter sneak job would not surprise me. Hope it's a good game. Main beneficiaries could be Roma who have an easy looking trip to Sampdoria although it is a ground where they have not historically done well. My old Viola have yet another Tuscan derby, this time away to Siena - a week before I watch them in person taking on Lazio.

Finally, I made some money backing Fenerbahce to beat Palermo last night. If there is one thing you can guarantee it is that an Italian team won't let you down to lose in Europe when a big league game is round the corner. Especially when they field their boys team.

Not only in Italy...

Bremen, Germany - The Champions League reaches its closing stages with Chelsea needing just a draw to get through. Or, indeed, a defeat would actually still see them qualify - as long as it is by a single goal. And those three points for the Germans would allow them to take on Barcelona needing just a draw to get through themselves. The final result? Miracolo, 1-0 to Werder...

Jose Mourinho, the world's greatest wind-up merchant, said before the game that he only played to lose against his children. In that case, it was a masterstroke by Bremen to find 11 of his infants out there.

Grande Capitano!

It might seem all I do is moan and groan here about the lack of recognition for Italian football. So, it is only fair to spend a few words in tribute to Fabio Cannavaro winning the Pallone d'Oro.

I don't think anybody who watched the World Cup could deny he was our most influential player (close-run thing with Buffon). His timing was amazing, his leap for such a small guy and his sheer guts and determination so typical of the team. I think his defining moment was when he won the ball and drove forward for the second goal against Germany in the semi-final.

Here's hoping he can get out of Madrid soon, come home to Napoli and Serie A and end his career in style. Grazie Capitano!

Inter - the new Juve?

With the Bianconeri safely shunted down to Serie B somebody had to take on the role of pantomime villain in the top division. After watching their late show against a battling Parma side, could it actually be Inter?

How ironic it would be after all their bickering and moaning and dossier compiling over the years if the Nerazzurri were to turn into their arch-enemies. The first thing they have done is sign up a couple of Juve's more objectionable players - Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Patrick Vieira. Ibra's goal celebrations are the kind of thing that would make even a mild-mannered father of two (never mind me!) leap up and try to slap his face through the television. While Vieira's mastery of the elbow, shunt, kick and trip are second to none.

Now, however, Inter also seem to have added the 'Culo' factor so long thought to be the reserve of the residents of Turin. Up pops Julio Cruz after a good save by De Lucia to give them three points they scarcely deserved. And Maicon's celebrations, goading the Parma fans, were something we could all have lived without.

Maybe you always need a baddy. Maybe a team that wins a lot just becomes dislikeable. Inter should win the league this season by a mile but I am becoming more and more convinced that I would really rather they didn't. It used to be "Tutta l'Italia contro la Juve" but I suspect most of Italy - especially juventini - would like to see Inter contrive to lose out somehow this year.

A strange night

All credit to Roma for overwhelming the Viola in the second half on Sunday night but it was a strange night from a purple perspective. We started off so well that even the absence of Toni was hardly noticed. But in the second half we were a different team.

A lot of the honour has to go to the Giallorossi who came out transformed but just the same I was disappointed with my boys. Reginaldo looked a bit out of his depth and we were a bit unfortunate with deflections that ended up at Taddei's feet but it was still a worrying display. Still, I guess Atalanta this weekend is more what I should be worried about and the pursuit of points to get us off this darned zero...

Kaka - simply the best?

Following his virtuoso performance against Anderlecht on Wednesday night the question has to be asked. Is Milan's Kaka the best player in the world at the moment?

OK, his World Cup displays were poor but the whole Brazil team was unimpressive there and many players played out of position. With the Rossoneri, he has been breathtaking for a while and last night was outstanding. He is one of the very few people in the game who really makes you sit up and take notice - and he does it very regularly. The way he spins round a marker in particular is truly outstanding.

I can't think of anyone playing better at the moment. Is there anybody else out there who can?

Blatter must go ... and faith in calcio restored

Even in the great anti-Italian world of Sepp Blatter he has hit new depths. The FIFA chief has apparently apologised to Australian fans for their country's elimination at the World Cup. He says the penalty on Grosso was a refereeing mistake (fair enough, though softer have been given) and that the Socceroos would probably have gone through in extra time (very debatable and conveniently ignoring the fact that Materazzi hardly deserved his straight red).

App

Apparently FIFA have now issued a statement saying he has been misreported but, let's face it, it is hardly out of character. I don't remember any apology to Spain and Italy after the crazy decisions in 2002.

On a happier note, I watched two cracking adverts for the Italian game at the weekend. The Milan derby was an absolutely gripping spectacle - not just for the seven goals but for the sheer drama. Then I watched my beloved Viola go down 3-2 in another memorable match at home to Palermo. We scarcely deserved to be held to a draw, never mind lose. Still, pazienza, we are playing well. Great game. Maybe it's going to be a good Serie A season after all...

Tonight is the night...

The verdict is set to be delivered tonight on any reduction of the points penalties inflicted on Milan, Juve, Lazio and Fiorentina. It is a totally unsatisfactory situation but it will have a major impact on the league table.

Juve's Serie B procession could be made a lot easier, Milan might come back into the Scudetto hunt and Lazio and Fiorentina might have a better chance of avoiding relegation. It proves, once again, that the game would be a whole lot better if everything could be decided on the pitch.

Still, I won't be complaining if the Viola get back into positive figures.

A grim affair?

Well, is it or isn't it? I can't make up my mind whether this is the most exciting title race for years or the most boring. The weekend has me leaning towards the latter although that would be pretty unfair on Palermo's historic win at Milan.

There have probably never been so many teams so closely piled together at the top of the table so, in some ways, that makes for excitement. But if you watched Udinese against Inter and a couple of Roma's recent struggles you would be hard pushed to work up much enthusiasm. Is it just me, or do we maybe miss Juve?

I mean, no offence to them, but seeing Udinese, Livorno, Siena, Atalanta and the rest up at the top end is refreshing in some ways but it doesn't exactly smack of quality does it? I tend to think the quality of football has been diminished by taking away one of our great sides and handicapping another three big sides with whacking points penalties. Perhaps it is just the sour grapes of a Viola man who is now working out that his team would be in third place without its points handicap (admittedly that would probably be fourth if Juve were still in things).

So, an open question - is this an exciting, open league or has the whole Calciopoli thing dragged down the standards significantly? Or maybe both?

Tonight, we are all Amaranto

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of us brought up north of the border and with all that following football up here entails, tonight is a special one. All Italo-British clashes are emotional occasions for me but a clash with the boys from Ibrox is particularly keenly felt.

I don't care about the whole religious thing and am not particularly fanatical about the other half of the Old Firm. However, personal experience makes it impossible not to hope Lucarelli and Company give the Rangers a roasting. I have visited Ibrox a few times and been called an "Effing Tally" often enough to want the boys from Leghorn to win this one in style.

What are the chances? Rangers come to the game in truly awful form while Livorno could hardly be playing better. In addition, I saw somewhere that the boys in Blue have only managed one draw and nine defeats in ten previous visits to Italy. Although, these UEFA group games leave me cold, I have to say. Four matches to knock two teams out of a five side group - how dull is that? That old mad dog Aldo Spinelli was right when he said the UEFA Cup meant something when he was President at Genoa but it has become a joke now.

Still, despite my natural aversion to all Tuscan teams outside of Florence I will be at the Armando Picchi in spirit tonight. Then it's time to turn my attentions to the battle of the minus signs on Sunday when Fiorentina take on Reggina.