Pretty, precise and pointless

I like to think I am more open minded than some of my more extremist relations. My first love will always be Italian football but I am willing to look at other options. So, when people keep raving about Arsene Wenger's baby Gunners, it is only natural that I would have a look.

Unfortunately for them (or for me), I picked the night they walked into a brick wall in the form of Burnley. Adolescent Arsenal started the game full of hormonal vigour but when they got clean through on the keeper a major problem emerged. They couldn't actually stick the ball in the net.

Credit the home goalkeeper, a man who looks like he swallowed Angelo Peruzzi whole. He made some fine saves but some of the shooting was fairly feeble. Having missed their opportunities, the boys from the Emirates were made to pay.

I read somewhere recently (I think Champions magazine) that this team will win the Champions League by 2016 (that's Arsenal, not Burnley). But on this evidence I have my doubts. It looked like the youngsters lost heart and were often out-muscled by solid, hard-working professionals. It all sounds reminiscent of Emmanuel Adebayor's recent admission that the team couldn't be arsed against lower level opposition (I paraphrase slightly).

That, it seems to me, is Arsenal's biggest problem. They seem to believe that teams should lie down before their beautiful football - but they don't. Instead, they fight them by every means possible. Maybe this new generation will have the toughness for the battle but, from what they showed on Tuesday, it was far from evident.

Anyway, enough of this English stuff. I feel like Udinese tonight! Udinese tonight!

Come on you Martelli?

It would appear that a corner of London is talking Italian. With Slaven Bilic out the way the top contenders for the vacant West Ham job all appear to be very familiar names to followers of Serie A. As Kevin Keegan might have said after Alex Ferguson wound him up, I would "love it" if one of them was to get the post.

Bobby Mancini was a front-runner but appears to have ruled himself out. That makes way for our recently deposed CT, Roberto Donadoni. The final contender - perhaps the most intriguing appointment since he was a Chelsea legend - is Gianfranco Zola. Any one of them would make for interesting times.

The reason I would like to see one of them appointed is simple. I would actually start to care a bit about the Premiership. I kind of keep an eye on Andrea Dossena at Liverpool (sorry Trent), and I have my fantasy football side to watch out for but a manager could take things to a whole new level. They almost always bring in their own favourites which could mean an influx of Italians at Upton Park. The Claret and Azzurri could quickly become my side in England.

So, all together now, "io sto sempre soffiando bollicine, belle bollicine nell'aria..."

Brescia beats Govan

I love these lifestyle choice stories. I am sure I remember one when Florin Raducioiu (or however you spell it) was torn between somewhere grim in the UK and Espanol. It was his wife, I think, who said don't be so bloomin' stupid - we're off to Barcelona you eejit!

So, Andrea Caracciolo snubbed the Glasgow Rangers to go to Brescia. He even went down a division rather than head to Ibrox. Admirable? Foolish? Understandable?

In Glasgow he would surely have got plenty of goals. He would also have got a team virtually guaranteed Champions League football every year. He would have got to share a curry with Barry Ferguson.

Instead, he went back to the team where he first made his reputation. There he gets a side struggling to get back to Serie A but he will get pasta like his mamma used to make every day.

Now, which one would you have chosen?

Trap O'Toni?

To be sure, is there no end to the love of all things Italian at the moment? Apparently, the legendary Giovanni Trapattoni - he of the ridiculous touchline gestures and amazing whistling - is being considered for the job of manager of the Republic of Ireland.

Begorrah, bejeezus and any other Irish cliche I can think of! The Trap in charge of the Fighting Irish! It is so bonkers it is brilliant. It would, of course, mean that he would face Italy in the World Cup qualification group as well.

I say get Nevio Scala in for Wales, Marcello Lippi for Scotland and Luca Vialli for Northern Ireland and let's complete the clean sweep!

May the force be with them...

It can't have escaped your notice that something extraordinary is about to happen. I wasn't around in the 1950s but I can only compare it to the astonishing events when the mighty Magyars humbled England on their own patch and forced them to admit they might have something to learn from overseas football.

In some ways, however, this is even more astounding. In their search for a new manager the English FA appear to be heading towards not just a foreigner but, whisper it, an Italian.

I know they have already had a Straniero at the helm but that was a Swede. A northern European - cool, calm and essentially dull (except for the off-the-pitch stuff). Now they have turned to the Dark Side in their possible recruitment of Fabio Capello (pictured).

It must stick in many a craw, surely, to turn to the home of corruption, cheating and defensive football? Is their desperation to win so deep? Clearly it is.

I find it an intriguing prospect. There is no doubt Don Fabio is in Europe's elite managerial bracket - one of the top four or five on the continent. He will certainly have no truck with any primadonna antics. And he might even harness the power of Wayne Rooney as he did Antonio Cassano.

But how has he prepared for all the extra-curricular rubbish? In Spain and Italy he suffered plenty of criticism but it was always based on football. What will he think of having the prying eyes of the tabloids on his wife, children, and anyone he speaks to in the street?

He is the ultimate pragmatist and from a footballing point of view his interest in the job makes a lot of sense. He can only do better than Steve McClaren. He gets to work with a decent group of players who have underachieved. And he gets a lot of money.

Whether it makes such sense from a lifestyle point of view I'm not so sure. He will have to conquer a lot of prejudice if he hopes to be a success. Italian football carries all the 'baggage' mentioned above in many English eyes. A lot of fans don't want him. I know Capello will not care but every time a result doesn't go his way he can expect to have a lot of old stereotypes dragged out.

In many ways, I still don't want to believe the deal will go ahead. At the last minute Capello will pull back his hand and thumb his nose. Or someone will snap their fingers in front of the FA and they will wake from their trance with a look on their face like they had just bitten into an onion. But I just saw Fabio getting off a plane to meet Brian Barwick. And there wasn't a light sabre anywhere in sight.

Imagine the conversation

I have read some daft stories in my time but this one tops the lot. Marcello Lippi turns down Birmingham! "This is not a stunt - it is genuine!" insisted the club co-owner. It gives me great pleasure to produce a transcript of the telephone call.

Brummie City Person: Hello, can I speak to Mr Lippy?

Marcello Lippi: Yes, speaking.

BCP: I understand you are out of work at the moment.

ML: Well, yes, apart from the odd bit of punditry for Sky.

BCP: Are you in the market for a return to management?

ML: Might be, depends who is speaking.

BCP: Oh yes, sorry, I represent an English Premiership club.

ML: Mmmm. Interesting, which one? Manchester United? Chelsea? Liverpool?

BCP: No, not exactly.

ML: Look, Signore, I have got a big cigar waiting for me! What club do you represent?

BCP (whispers): Birmingham City...

ML: What? Speak up.

BCP (mumbles): Birmingham City...

ML: What? Bird in hand shitty?

BCP (shouts): OK! OK! Birmingham City.

The line goes dead.

What have we learned

I tried to cast an eye over the Man Utd versus Chelsea game on Sunday afternoon with a view towards who might be the strongest in the Premiership and - later on - in the Champions League. I am not sure I learned all that much from a game which did little to raise the blood pressure until it reached the inevitable penalty kicks.

Neither side was at full strength (maybe Man Utd were closer to it) and there was little chance to judge the new signings (particularly on the red side). Nani seemed to struggle to get into the game when he came on. While Mourinho will no doubt be pleased that Florent Malouda appears to have settled in well.

It's never easy to take too much from these games but I am beginning to see Chelsea as a bit too one-dimensional to really be a great team. Sure, everybody looks in their physical prime but where is the invention and creativity? Joe Cole? Sean Wright-Phillips? Man Utd are certainly the more pleasing on the eye but they have looked shaky at the back in pre-season which will encourage their rivals. I haven't seen much of Liverpool - the supposed third force - but they will have to shake off the shackles of being even more dull than Chelsea to make a challenge. They have made some exciting signings but will the tactics remain the same?

Oh, and I thought the Special One might have got his boys to practice penalties.

Say it aint so Joe-seppe!

Very disappointed indeed to read of Giuseppe Rossi's move to Villareal in La Liga. I had held out high hopes that we might get "our boy" back in Serie A but to no avail. It is, perhaps, a sign of the times that a relative tiddler of a club (no offence Villareal fans) can outbid any Italian rivals. I'm not sure how serious the interest in Italy was but it would have been nice to have one of our genuine entertainers on our shores.

Elsewhere, the Serie A fixture list is finally out with a few crackers in the opening weeks.

http://www.lega-calcio.it/ita/atim_calendario.shtml

Palermo v Roma looks the tastiest treat on opening day with Milan v Fiorentina in week two. And the sparks should really fly by week four when Roma face Juve in the Bianconeri's first big match since their return. Oh, I can hardly wait for August 26 to roll around.

The most important goals...

I know I really should not read these thing but, just the same, they really make my blood boil. That may well be the point of publishing them. But, still, the Times 50 most important goals makes laughable reading.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2132317.ece

You might think it is a joke when you have a look around the lower reaches. But wait until you get to the top and it really becomes farcical. It is so anglo-centric it really has to be read to be believed. I know it is not about the best goals but it would be hard to say any of the following did not deserve their place in the top 50.

1) Gianni Rivera's winning goal in Italy's 4-3 triumph over West Germany in "the game of the century" in 1970.

2) Dejan Savicevic's amazing lob in Milan's demolition of Barcelona, cementing the Rossoneri as the greatest team of the era.

3) Marco Tardelli's World Cup final "screamer".

4) Pretty much every goal Maradona scored to take Napoli to the scudetto (and his goal to sink England in 1986).

5) Fabio Grosso's strike against Germany last summer.

Not to mention Super Pippo, the master of important goals?

I know it is a nonsense but, just the same, a lot of people will read it and believe it.

Hello, I must be going...

What more can you do? You take a club of no-hoper Galacticos and turn them into league winners and what happens? You get replaced by Bernd Schuster!

At least, that seems to be the script for Fabio Capello at Real Madrid. OK, his team did not play great football but by God they had balls - something that had been missing in the Bernabeu since about - his last time on the bench. Still, apparently he and supremo Calderon don't see eye to eye, so there is only going to be one winner.

The intriguing thing to me is how exactly Schuster is going to change things. Having watched his Getafe side a few times they seem just as dirty as he was as a player. Not convinced that will be a great upgrade from Don Fabio. Still, it does leave the intriguing prospect of Capello on the loose. Maybe he will finally get the job in England he has always craved...

Interesting times

Three points to make as succinctly as possible...

1) The Azzurrini are done for. You can kid yourself if you like but Serbia will lose to England meaning we go out. The last set of results were just about the worst possible for our young boys. Shame.

2) Don Fabio - like him or not - will write himself into the record books if he wins La Liga on Sunday night. Is there a more successful Coach with more sides in the modern era? Maybe only Trapattoni could answer that.

3) The Stevens Report - Finger pointed at lots of agents, a couple of managers but, amazingly, none of the clubs. There is a grimy underworld of bungs out there but what will the punishment be? My bet is absolutely nothing for any of the teams involved.

Don Fabio's greatest challenge

Even in the great career of Fabio Capello he can scarcely have faced a tougher challenge. To transform Real Madrid from a bunch of gifted, skilful, overpaid, headless chickens into a winning football team. Think of all the ingredients working against him.

1) Being in Spain. The diffidence/hostility of La Liga towards all things Italian is the stuff of legend. They don't like to see one of their top teams being run by a man from the land of "catenaccio". Nonetheless, it needs a man of Capello's strength to solve the club's problems.

2) The Galacticos. The club seems to have been run for years as if by a primary school pupil. Buying up every player possible with no real concept of building a "team" or strengthening positions where you are weak. At least he has weeded out David "Becksy Boy" Beckham by the looks of it.

3) Antonio Cassano. Even the Don must have run out of patience with the boy from Bari. OK, he is the only manager so far to manage to tame him but just the same, he must drive him nuts.

4) Fan expectation. Real have been much more competitive this season but they have had a bad run of results of late. If he fails to deliver something this season just how much time will he be given? Probably not much.

I've got a lot of time for Fabio because he scored the first ever goal to beat England at Wembley AND he took over Sacchi's Milan and made them even better. If anyone can do the job, he can. If not, I hope he comes back home. We miss him.